


If Only She Wasn't So Self Aware

by Mshpiece



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Abuse, Gen, Non-Sexual Slavery, Slavery, self hate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-05
Updated: 2015-09-05
Packaged: 2018-04-19 05:06:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4733783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mshpiece/pseuds/Mshpiece
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A fic focusing on Pearl's self hate and self-perception. This was inspired by the comics by thatuxedorito (tumblr), but I took some liberties and my own imagination and wrote this. I was in a really rough spot when I wrote this fic, so there's a lot of crossover from my own emotions and feelings into it. It might be heavy, so be warned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If Only She Wasn't So Self Aware

Every now and then, Pearl wished she wasn’t self-aware.

_Worthless,_

In fits of self-hate, she would think of her gem’s place on homeworld. They were built to be silent. They were built to serve. They were built to be glossed over without a single thought of dissent.

_Defective,_

Her early days of questioning. Her early days of voicing her opinion. Offering a different method of her task that was more efficient. The difference between pearls and robots, were that someone could hit a robot without feeling the bruises of a backhanded smack.

_Broken._

She would almost have no time to lie down. She was always serving. Even if she did have time, she would not sleep. She was an empty shell. She went from owner to owner, each one more hostile and angry. Angry the pearl was showing signs of clumsiness, still showing signs of reaction, even after so many beatings and injuries, after so many fucking attempts to hide face and show nothing she couldn’t get it right.

_Insignificant._

She was easily replaceable. She was easy to transport. She was easy to mix up with the other pearls that were being shipped out. Defective pearls were destroyed. She heard rumors, whispers, seen and felt the heat of passing by certain rooms when being redistributed. She learned to cover her cracks. She blended in. She passed.

_But why couldn’t she just erase herself?!_

Her thoughts wouldn’t shut up. They wouldn’t quiet down. They wouldn’t stop travelling throughout her body, turning over her stomach, tensing up in her arms and knees and neck, crowding up in her throat, leaving her no space to breathe.

_Why couldn’t she just wipe herself out completely?!_

They twisted and seared through her mind rapid fire. They were etched into her mind and throughout the inside of her body. She couldn’t feel anything. She didn’t know how to speak. She was not allowed to speak. She refused to speak. She was not supposed to exist like this. She was wrong.

_“WHY DO I STILL EXIST?!”_

 

Sitting alone in her room. Watching over Steven. Tapped repeatedly by Amethyst, brushed at by Garnet, shaken desperately by Rose; nothing anyone could do could wake her from these moments. Nothing Rose could say, scream, _demand_ her to know could shake her soul and change the core of her beliefs. Nothing could pull her out of the trauma or self-hate.

If only she wasn’t so self-aware.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you guys so much for reading, I really appreciate it. It's sometimes very hard for me to be able to express my emotions and talk about these things to other people, but writing has really helped me, and I hope you enjoyed the piece. Please leave a comment if you have any suggestions to it, or if you have any other fic ideas you'd like to see me write!  
> Thanks again to the magnificent thetuxedodorito, be sure to check out her blog!


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